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Dr. Vivek Murthy, Surgeon General of the United States, is baring his soul to draw attention to the dangers of loneliness in our society, announcing that it’s time to take notice and act.

In a recent op-ed in the New York Times, the 45-year old Dr. Murthy wrote:

Dr. Murthy reminds us of the devastating toll loneliness takes on health: “When people are socially disconnected, their risk of anxiety and depression increases. So does their risk of heart disease (29 percent), dementia (50 percent), and stroke (32 percent).” 

… and in our communities: “When we are less invested in one another, we are … less able to pull together to face the challenges that we cannot solve alone — from climate change and gun violence to economic inequality and future pandemics.” (Read the complete article here.)

Scientists and researchers have done a superb job of identifying and quantifying the extent and nature of loneliness and why social connection is so important to health and wellbeing.

The good news is that scientists have also produced some important knowledge about aspects of human behavior which, once understood, can make the journey of finding and making friends easier.

When adults set out to make friends, it is important to have a firm grasp on expectations. It is possible to have a rewarding friendship with someone who isn’t a “best friend.” There are many levels of friendship and “… they are highly structured in the sense that people didn’t see or contact everybody in their social network equally,” according to Dr. Robin Dunbar, Professor of Evolutionary Psychology at Oxford University.

Dr. Dunbar has spent over 50 years studying friendship in humans and other primates. His research has focused on two areas: the limits on the number of people with whom you can have meaningful relationships, (referred to as “Dunbar’s Number”) and how those relationships are built and maintained.

Sheon Han, writing in The Atlantic, lays out the levels of friendship from the innermost layer to more casual friends.

 “The innermost layer (Intimates) clearly has to do with your romantic relationships. The Close friends layer are your shoulders-to-cry-on friendships. They are the ones who will drop everything to support us when our world falls apart. The Best Friends layer includes the previous five, and … are our main social companions ... for having fun times. They also provide the main circle for exchange of child care. We trust them enough to leave our children with them. The next layer up, Good Friends, is your big-weekend-barbecue people. And the Friends layer is your weddings and funerals group who would come to your once-in-a-lifetime event.” (The Atlantic, May 20, 2021)

According to Dunbar, “The layers come about primarily because the time we have for social interaction is not infinite. You have to decide how to invest that time, bearing in mind that the strength of relationships is directly correlated with how much time and effort we give them." 

Time is essential both in the making and keeping of friends. In a study conducted at the University of Kansas, Dr. Jeffrey Hall found that it takes roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to go from that stage to simple “friend” status and more than 200 hours before you can consider someone your close friend. Or put another way, the ultimate formula for friendship involves 11 interactions, each lasting on average three hours, over the period of five and a half months.

But don’t despair, because even though making friends takes time and commitment, Paula Span writes that even acquaintances and casual relationships can significantly improve health and wellbeing.

Sociologists, psychologists, and other researchers have brought to light some aspects of human behavior that directly impact our ability to make friends.

Dr. Marisa G. Franco, a psychologist who studies friendship, told Fox News that one of the biggest misconceptions about friendship is that it happens organically. “Friendship doesn’t really happen organically in adulthood, she said. Dr. Rebecca G. Adams, professor of sociology and gerontology at the University of North Carolina, Greensboro added: “As we grow older, it is important to continue to participate in activities that interest us and therefore attract kindred spirits. Friendship can happen more organically when we have “repeated, unplanned interactions and share vulnerability. It’s completely unconscious [that] we tend to like people that we’ve been exposed to more,” she added.

Examples of this are recurring Village events and pastime groups including knitting, movie clubs, discussion groups, peer-led support groups, and many others. The Village knitting group meets regularly over mutual interests and have become very close to one another by sharing their day-to-day life experiences.

A study released by Yale University demonstrates that in conversation, people consistently underestimate how much the other person likes them. It is true across age groups and for strangers as well as acquaintances. In conversation, we are preoccupied with listening, talking, worrying about how we’re coming across – all of which contribute to the “liking gap.” Fortunately, science has also demonstrated that as you get to know someone better, the gap shrinks – another reason to stick with it and invest the time that may lead to a closer relationship.

There are many opinions on what elements true friendship must contain - things like trust, forgiveness, and loyalty. In addition to that, Dr. Dunbar has identified seven “pillars” that people use to evaluate how likely they are to become friends with someone.

He points out that friendships are based on “homophily” – the tendency “for like to associate with like” as in “birds of a feather…” That’s why our friends are so similar to us in terms of the seven pillars:

Dunbar wrote, “Each is as good as any other – a three-pillar friendship can form in any combination. The more of these we share in common with someone, the stronger the relationship will be.”

Dunbar continued, “The activities of exercising socially, singing, dancing, having conversations that make us laugh, and eating together trigger the endorphin system in the brain, which makes you feel very relaxed, content, at peace with the world, and trusting of those you are with. This state helps us bond with people and form relationships. You get a short-term hit in terms of it making you feel good, and a long-term hit in that it reinforces the friendship.”

There are many aspects of making friends that are obvious and intuitive: “put yourself out there;” join something; get a dog; volunteer; smile; be a good listener, etc.

Here are some ideas that dig a little deeper and can make “putting yourself out there” more effective, and more fun.

Try to listen beyond the words. Let's say two people make the same statement: “I have to leave early.”

Person 1 is worried about her husband.

Person 2 is having dinner with an old friend.

Being sensitive to mood and tone makes it possible for you to come back with an ”empathetic statement” – a great way to build rapport:

To Person 1: “Sorry you have to leave – I hope everything's OK.”

To Person 2: “Wherever you're going, have a great time.”

Communications expert Dr. Carol Fleming has formulated an easy and effective method for initiating small talk in three steps: Anchor, Reveal, Encourage (ARE):

Anchor: Start a conversation by anchoring it in your “mutual shared reality – something you are both seeing or experiencing. Leaving a Pilates class: “Great session today!”

Reveal: Share something about yourself related to the anchor:

“I’m nowhere near as limber as I want to be.”

Encourage: Engage the other person by asking a question:

“What got you started with Pilates?”

Keep building the conversation by offering follow-up comments, ideally with a back-up question.

As a new person entering an established group, it is helpful to identify the ‘leaders' in the room and introduce yourself to them. The center of a group conversation is most likely social and outgoing and inclined to help you ease your way into the conversation.

“How do you know _____?

“What’s keeping you busy these days?

“What brought you here tonight?”

“How are you? Most people will respond with “Fine.” End of story.

Instead try, “How is your day going? Or “What did you do today?”

Dr. Jeffrey Hall: “Everyone wants to have friends, but you can’t have friends without making them. ... Making friends takes time. But time on its own does not breed intimacy. It depends how we spend that time.”

Dr. Robin Dunbar: “You should not try and over-rationalize what you do… That’s because these processes are unconscious, maybe because we learned them, or maybe they’re psychologically inbuilt like instinct. But either way, they are very difficult to unlearn. That’s important because they’re shortcuts to allow us to operate fast in a very complicated, dynamic social world.”

Dr. Marisa G. Franco: “The research on loneliness suggests that one person can’t fulfill all dimensions of our loneliness and that we need an entire community. We can have a quality friendship with someone who isn’t a ‘best friend.’”

Doctor of Occupational Therapy and Village Board Member Liz Metzger: "Social isolation and loneliness are two different problems. Isolation is about where your body is. Loneliness is about where your mind is. As a result of the pandemic, there is now a great deal of attention being placed on how to address the challenge of social isolation. Now it is time to pay more attention to the growing numbers of individuals experiencing loneliness and empowering them to rebuild and establish their connections. When we change how we think about ourselves and our social connections, we can change the way we feel."

Single or partnered, old or young, everyone at some time worries about who will care for them if they are not able to do it themselves.

Drawing on 14 years of accumulated resources and first hand experience, the Village has created a two-part presentation, “Who Will Take Care of Me.” It covers all the situations in which help may be needed - from illness through all the tasks that must be done on one’s behalf after death. The presentation explains the purpose of advanced directives and other documents that enable others to carry out your wishes when you cannot.

The series premiered at the Third Space Community Center in Lake View this month and each session stimulated a lively discussion and answered many questions for the attendees.

This program is available at no charge to groups of any kind - condo associations, churches, synagogues, mosques, social, or community organizations. For more information, contact julie@thevillagechicao.org.

Join us at the Chicago History Museum on June 20, 2023 from 5 PM to 7 PM. All are welcome to join Village members at our Annual Members Meeting and learn more about what the Village is doing to provide members with a lively social and intellectual life; promote well-being, brain health, and overall fitness; and how we support families living with a loved one’s memory loss. To register, email celebrate@thevillagechicago.org.

The Village Chicago is pleased to announce our newest annual sponsor, FYZICAL Lincoln Park! This premier physical therapy and balance studio strives to treat the whole patient completely.

"We strive to make physical therapy an experience that you will enjoy/not forget," says Marketing Manager Tori Capraro. "Our skilled Physical Therapists work collectively to help each other’s patients, so you are getting multiple brains working as one on your case. We are always learning from our patients and from each other. We use soft tissue mobilization, joint mobilization, and manipulation as well as dry needling to change the tissue. We then support it with progressive strength, motor control, and neural reeducation techniques to improve motor patterns to eliminate pain and maximize function."

In months to come, look for exclusive programming for Village members from FYZICAL to help you maintain and improve balance, strength and flexibility. In the meantime, stop by FYZICAL Lincoln Park at 2555 N. Clark Street (just up the street from our offices!) and thank them for their support of The Village Chicago.

Learn more about the Village by calling us at 773.248.8700 or click here to download the membership application form.

David Baker, President 

Judith Gethner, Secretary

Dick Sullivan, Treasurer

Thomas C. Eley III, Vice President

Joan Goldstein,

Therese Meike,

Kathie Kolodgy, Member at Large

Karen Terry, Immediate Past President

Don Bell

Stefanie Clark

Charles G. Cooper

Carol Hitchie

Ira Kohlman

Angie Levenstein

Molly Matthias

Liz Metzger

Gail Moss

Carol Stein

Lois Stuckey

Vamse Kumar Subbiah

Jan Walters

Joyce Winnecke

Advisory Council

Neelum T. Aggarwal, MD

Robyn L. Golden, LCSW

Joanne G. Schwartzberg, MD

Mary Ann Smith

Darcy L. Evon

2502 North Clark Street, Chicago, Illinois 60614. 773.248.8700