The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is littered with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $135,000.” "Great. I’ll start later.”
Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s an 80% chance you won’t either.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons and no one asks, "What the Hell is wrong with you?"
When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.
Tip: Save business cards of people you hate. If you hit a parked car accidentally, write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.
When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
Just once, I want the user name and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”
Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
If you see me talking to myself, move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 90 minute bassoon solo".
I envy people who age gracefully, like good wine. I age more like milk: I'm sour, lumpy, and have a foul odor.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
When you buy a bag of cotton balls, do you throw out the one on top?
I hate when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.
Today, 3-year-olds repair laptops and design Power Point presentations. When I was 3, I drank paint and peed everywhere.
Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife why dinner isn't ready if she's mowing the lawn or painting the house.
So, you drive across the city to a gym to walk on a treadmill?